How is it that you become part of someone’s life, and how is it that they become part of yours? Through spending time together? When do people start thinking of one another, wanting to be close, closer? I am tired of being alone. I am tired of pushing by myself, I am tired of having to get back up by myself whenever I fall. I want to be part of something, I need to. I need to know that my presence is wanted, that I’m not an extra or an afterthought, I need to know that I am enough to be called, to stay in the company of.

Is it clingy? Is it insecure? Do these feelings vanish with confidence, with time? I have tried, I tried so much, to never burden anyone with these needs, and I don’t think I would even be capable of doing so, of attaching myself and being in such a vulnerable state of asking reassurance, asking company.

Am I a loner? I don’t know, I do have friends, but how much friends are we? How much part of their life am I, and vice versa? How much time we spend together? It’s almost none, maybe a sporadic interaction? I always have this visceral feeling of certainty, that I am not really a part of anyone’s life, that I’m an extra passing through. And on the other hand, I know that I haven’t let anyone into my life, into all of this. Is this the reason we are so distant? Would it really change anything if I open up myself to how bad I feel, all the time? My therapist says that I am unnecessarily harsh on myself, and selfish in a way, as it’s not for me to decide whether I am or not a part of someone else’s life, but it sure does feel that I am not. I imagine that life would go on the same way were I out of the picture, eventually. Maybe some initial shock or time to adjust, yes, but nothing would change much, I don’t spend a significant amount of time with anyone that’s not myself, by myself (I am conveniently ignoring my parents in this mental ferris wheel).

Will there be a time when people think of me and want of their own volition hang out with me because they enjoy my company? Will there be time when people want to do things for me, because they think it will make me happy? Is it selfish to wish for these things, wish for a place of belonging? It’s a place I’ve searched for my entire life, but I don’t think I ever found it.

And I know, you can’t expect things from others, if I want to spend time together, it’s me that needs to exert, if I want to be a part of their life, I need to be the one to enter, if I want them to be a part of my life, I need to be the one to let them in, I need to be the one to make it happen, I need to be confident, be fine by myself, but I try and I try and I try and it doesn’t work, all this still feeds in my not being enough, because yeah, otherwise others would do the same for me, no? And so a new negative feedback cycle is formed. I don’t think I can just continue forever like this. How much more can I get back up by myself after I fall, how much more can I lie to myself that I believe that eventually I’ll get to a good spot, I’ll be happy and fulfilled, how much do I need to fake that everything is fine and continue going on with this pile of pins in my throat, asking people for some company when I have a shred of energy to spare to do so, but never letting them in, and then waiting in my room for someone to reach out, and doubting doubting doubting and restarting this ferris wheel where I am the only one in the cabin.