This is a bit of a hard topic to breach. It took me so much time also to just talk about it to my therapist, and when I broke it to her I didn’t like much how she took it, I felt like she didn’t understood me - a year later she would say that she actually didn’t, which might just point another arrow at how horrible I communicate things.

There was a time, when I was a kid, where I would go to sleep and be excited about something to do in the coming day. Either a game to continue playing, an anime or cartoon that would air the coming day, or something that would fill me with excitement. There was a time, right after that where I would start to daydream and imagine. I would think of worlds, me being a character, and playing stories, friends, romances, closeness, dramas and its release, I was very good at self-inserting and making up scenarios, and it was all so comforting. This was, I realize, the point where I started escaping reality. There was a time, sometimes after, where I just stopped being able to imagine myself in these fantasies, and became, in a way, unable to escape reality.

This was way in the past now, I kinda stopped being able to self-insert and comfort myself in these ways when I was a teenager. What I have left now is a vis-a-vis with dread, pain, the fear of having to go through it all over again the next day, and the next and the next after. So eventually I started praying that I would stop existing, that I would sleep and never wake up again, never having been. I’ve been repeating this prayer almost uninterrupted for the past 8 or so years. In the morning, I’ve been waking up disappointed that life goes on. During the day, the thought is there, always there, at every moment. I can go on vacation, but the thought is there.

I feel like I did try, a bit maybe, not enough, but still a little bit to try to get better, to come to a point where I do want to wake up the day after, but I never got to that point so far.

The power of the thought varies with how bad I feel, the least powerful is when it’s just about not existing, never having been born, which does absolve me of dealing with the consequences - none. It’s almost a pacifier. When it has more power it just becomes more like suicidal ideation. The least bad I feel, the more I feel responsible for the outcome and feel obligated to just keep going, the more bad I feel the weaker these chains get. At this point in my life I feel like I am carrying on purely because of these chains, not for anything else.

I am afraid of talking about suicidal ideation for many reasons, I am afraid of opening up to this part of me and receiving no reaction, I am afraid of it looking like a call for help, exaggerating and making some serious noise to be seen, I am afraid of receiving attentions, people showing care to me because of this rather than because they care about me.

aaaaaaah fuck this post